foolish girl

Do you have a word that can send you to your knees begging for forgiveness?

I DO. I shudder when I hear it, my heart breaks when I think about it.

Contentment.

I hear it often in my heart. “Daughter be content.”

I actually can envision Him chuckling as he looks down on me saying “you foolish girl sit still and be content” 

Over and over again I try to out plan Him. To take matters in my own hands. To force plans that clearly are not working.

Then I hear it as clear as day. A deep rumbling in my heart that I am sure is Gods laughter.

Yesterday it happened in yoga,

“Contentment, Becky”

“yeah yeah I am good today”

“but are you?”

“yep good to go”

“how about with food”

“ohh that, I’ve just been hungry”

“hungry or not content”

“crap, okay I am busy here we will talk later”

“hahhaha little one, I will not be cast aside.”

“later”

“sit still my daughter and listen”

 

To be honest I hate sitting still and listening. I do not want to be corrected. I will gladly sit and be praised for good things but NOT corrected. A part of my personality that is not flattering.

 Then there is a negotiation that goes on,

“okay I have stopped trying to control where we are moving and when. I no longer check the e-mail and boards hourly. In fact I do not check them at all. SEE I LISTENED LAST TIME! I have not nagged Ryan or pushed him to be more assertive. I LISTENED! To be honest I truly don’t care anymore.”

“Silly girl, not caring is not the same as being content”

Then I hang my head in shame because I know, actually, I knew all along. That’s why I have been eating 2 whataburgers with cheese, a frosty (i don't even like frostys)and fries ( I even ate real bacon the other day… almost a whole pack). That is why I am never satisfied after a meal. Its why I have been sneaking extra food as the guilt laid heavy on my chest. I was not truly hungry I was trying to fill a void.

“you foolish girl sit still and be CONTENT” 

"content"

"yes, content in Me daughter"